Love shouldn’t hurt – ever

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Monday, 20 December 2021 14:04

What Are You Leaving Behind?
by Teresia Smith

When I was a child, I recall my elders commenting how fast time passed. I never really understood it, because back then, it felt like summers out of school lasted a year and time was like a sloth, just creeping slowly by as I anxiously awaited my turn at adulthood. Now, as an adult, I truly do understand what they felt. It seems we no more than start a new month before we are halfway through it and then before we accomplish our plans, the year is gone.
So here we are at the end of 2021. These past two years have been so out of normal that in some ways they feel as though they have lasted longer while at the same time they have zoomed by. As you prepare for each New Year, do you ever look back to see what you left behind? Boats traveling in the water leave a wake. Animals traveling in the forest leave a path. Muddy shoes leave a footprint. What have you left behind this year?

Pamela Perry Blaine wrote these thoughts after her adult children had come and gone for the holidays, “Hmmm, things left behind. . .”, I pondered to myself. It seems there is one thing that is left behind on every occasion. Memories are always left behind, I reasoned, and what a precious thing good memories are to us. I thought how each item left behind reminded me of the person it belonged to and the story surrounding it. The insides of the turkey fryer that was left behind reminded me of the delicious Thanksgiving meal that we all enjoyed. The empty pie pan reminded me of Katie’s delicious pies. The angel figurine reminded me of the white elephant gift exchange game that we play every year. Even the bad memory of Rowan’s injury reminded me of how frightened I was at the sound of her cry. It is a bad memory that turned into a good one as it reminded us of how precious little Rowan is to us.”

Even if we are not aware of it as it is happening, everything leaves memories. Good and bad. At our house, each year we unbox special ornaments and as we place them on the Christmas tree, we talk about the person or thing that makes them special. Sometimes the most stressful or embarrassing moments in life become memories we can look back on with laughter. Someone will say, “Remember when….” and we will all laugh as we relive the moments. Even frustrating days can leave sweet memories. When your kids are young, you can easily become frustrated with mountains of laundry and sinks of dirty dishes and a constantly messy house. However, as you wash and fold those clothes, they will trigger memories of things your kids said or did and your mind’s eye can picture them wearing that outfit. And the sinks full of dirty dishes can bring memories of good conversations around the table. I haven’t experienced the empty nest yet, but I hear from those who have that you sometimes miss the piles of laundry and dirty dishes and come to dislike the quiet, orderly house.

Not all our memories are good ones. We all have had traumatic events happen in our lives that scar us. Those are the memories that need to be left behind. Memories of past hurts, bitterness, and anger that keep us bound to the past. These are the things that we should never keep but until we work though our feelings and find our peace with them, those memories may follow us, year after year. Stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right. Sometimes in life, goodbyes can be a gift. Saying goodbye to the things you can’t control allows you to say hello to things that may benefit you, and life is simply making room for the new.

Robert Frost summed it up this way: “In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It goes on.” Live in the present and not in the past. Collect those moments and then weave them together into this gift we call life. Make it the most beautiful life tapestry that you can. Because there is one more thing besides memories that we leave behind… and that is love.
Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. Our Jackson County office may be reached at 256.574.5826 or our 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000. If you need a safe place to work through the memories that continue to hurt, please reach out. You are not alone.