Love shouldn’t hurt – ever

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Wednesday, 28 July 2021 09:59

Healthy Teen Relationships
by Teresia Smith

As we draw near to the end of summer break, everyone is in get-ready-for-back-to-school mode. Supplies need to be purchased, crisp, new clothes for the first day, schedules figured out and then we all look forward to watching our children learn and grow throughout the year. For our older teens, in addition to monitoring academics, it’s important that we discuss healthy relationships with them.
Many will begin dating relationships in high school and those relationships can affect the trajectory of their life. A healthy dating relationship can help a student prepare for adult life after graduation. Knowing the hallmarks of a healthy relationship can keep them safe, encourage good communication, grow their support systems, and empower them as they plan for their future.

So how can you know if you are in a healthy relationship? Crushes, infatuation, and “puppy” love all feel like real love. But is it? D’Arcy Lyness, PhD points out that in the early stage of a relationship, it’s normal to look at everything through rose-colored glasses. However, for some those glasses become blinders that keep them from seeing that the relationship is not a healthy one.

Make a point to step back and really examine your relationship occasionally. Ask a few questions, such as the following that were discussed on kidshealth.org:
Does your partner respect your wishes if you say you are uncomfortable with something or do they spend time trying to convince you to see things their way? Do they respect your boundaries? Have they taken time to get to know the real you and do they like you for who you are? Are you able to share your feelings and not keep things bottled up?
Is there mutual trust? Is there trust in the relationship or are you always being accused of things because they don’t trust you? Do you do things with separate friends sometimes to maintain your own identity? Are you honest with each other or do you hide things to keep the peace?

Do you support each other’s interests even if it’s not really yours? Support and encouragement to pursue your own dreams is very important. There must be give-and-take… taking turns to choose where to eat, what to do, who to hang out with, etc. If one person must have their way all the time, or if one person is afraid to voice their choices, that becomes power and control which is hallmark of an unhealthy relationship.

It is never okay for someone to be cruel, discourteous, domineering or abusive. Sometimes if a person has grown up in a home filled with unhealthy relationships or domestic violence, they do not realize this is not normal. Most people learn from duplicating what we see around us so they may have learned how to treat others by what they have always seen in their home. You may truly care about this person and even feel sorry for them; however, it is not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves any abuse. It is not okay for a boyfriend or girlfriend to push you around, slap you or hit you in any way, force you into sexual activity, or verbally or emotionally abuse you. When you feel you truly love this person, it can be easy to try to dismiss their actions. Some warning signs that this is an unhealthy relationship may be as follows:
Do they get angry if I don’t focus just on them? Are they really needy?

Do they criticize my hair or clothes or tell me I’ll never find anyone who would love me the way they do?
Do they separate me from my friends and not want me to talk to other friends?
Do they want me to quit any of the things I love to do just because they aren’t interested?
Do they try to coerce me into sexual activity even when I say no?

These are just a few questions to ask. If a partner is trying to control you in any way, separate and isolate you from others, or harm your self-esteem, those are hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship and you should talk to someone you trust.
The best way to ensure you have healthy relationships is to first know and love yourself. Others cannot love and appreciate you until you love yourself. Both people in a relationship should feel secure about who they are alone before they take the plunge to become a pair. Many teen dating relationships don’t last long because at this age, you are growing and changing and discovering who you are. Spend some time examining what qualities you value in a friendship and work on cultivating those qualities within yourself and then you can attract others with those qualities.

Dating relationships can be fun and filled with enjoyment. They can also be filled with powerful emotions and sometimes, heartbreak. Be selective with who you choose to get close to, take your time, and get to know them first.

In Jackson County, Crisis Services of North Alabama has a satellite office to provide services for residents of Jackson County. We offer crisis counseling, access to safe shelter, support groups, advocacy, forensic nurse exams, assistance obtaining protection orders, safety planning and more for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. We also offer a 24/7 HELPline (256.716.1000) where you can speak with a trained crisis counselor or you may reach our Jackson County office at 256.574.5826. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone.