Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Wednesday, 11 December 2024 13:12

Silent Support
by Teresia Smith

Imagine a friend has just confided a serious revelation. They disclose to you that they are being abused by their partner. They tell you they just didn’t know who to talk to but trusted you. This can be a critical time and you want to support them in a way that will be helpful. Inside you are screaming “Why don’t you leave,” but your response at this time needs to be one of support.
Ernest Hemingway once said: “In our darkest moments, we don’t need solutions or advice. What we yearn for is simply human connection—a quiet presence, a gentle touch. These small gestures are the anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much. Please don’t try to fix me. Don’t take on my pain or push away my shadows. Just sit beside me as I work through my inner storms. Be the steady hand I can reach for as I find my way. My pain is mine to carry, my battles mine to face. But your presence reminds me I’m not alone in this vast, sometimes frightening world. It’s a quiet reminder that I am worthy of love, even when I feel broken. So, in those dark hours when I lose my way, will you just be here? Not as a rescuer, but as a companion. Hold my hand until the dawn arrives, helping me remember my strength. Your silent support is the most precious gift you can give. It’s a love that helps me remember who I am, even when I forget.”

Janice Miller, director of client services at House of Ruth, an intimate partner violence center in Maryland, explains, “The goal in this conversation is not to get her to leave; the goal is to make sure she feels heard and validated. The most important response a friend or family member can give is, ‘I’m so sorry this is happening to you.’ Acknowledge that this is a terrible thing they’re expressing.” Make sure to establish your support, before you share your concerns. Focus on the victim and her safety and not the abuser. If you start to point out the negative things about the abuser, the victim may feel the need to defend them. Relationships and emotions are complicated and if there are any good things about the relationship, it will be difficult for them to walk away.
When someone is in the middle of an abusive relationship, they become convinced it’s their fault.

Fear and shame become constant companions. Often, a victim knows their family and friends’ opinions about women who stay in abusive relationships and they are afraid of judgment if others know about their situation. And even though they have your love and support, they feel like your feelings towards them may change if you knew what was happening in their home. Remember, even when an abuser isn’t physically hurting the victim, he’s often still controlling them in their head and it’s hard to think clearly.

We must become more educated about the dynamics and mechanics of domestic violence and we need to be aware of our preconceived notions and biases about the victims so we can freely offer our support. When someone confides in you that they are being abused, it can feel paralyzing because you fear saying the wrong thing. Remember, the survivor is looking for someone to confide in and who can tell them the abusive behavior they are experiencing is not okay. They are probably not asking you to fix anything, but just to listen.
Knowing your local resources will be a huge help in guiding your friend. Many communities have domestic violence and sexual assault services available. In our area, Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services such as crisis counseling, court advocacy, access to forensic nurses, referrals and support groups. You can reach the Jackson County office at 256.574.5826. We also offer a 24/7 HELPline, where you can talk to a trained crisis counselor at 256.716.1000. Reach out for support.