Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Tuesday, 22 October 2024 12:28

Back to Basics: What is Domestic Violence?
by Rebecca Hieronymi

Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I being abused?” or maybe a close family member or friend has raised concerns about how your partner is treating you. Many people find it difficult to recognize abuse when it doesn’t manifest as physical violence. It is hard to accept that the person you love and trust most in the world would manipulate you, control, and harm you over and over again. Recognizing abusive tactics and accepting it’s happening are necessary to ending the abuse however. Generally, there are 5 main types of abuse and they often overlap and meld together.
1. Physical abuse: Abuse is easier to recognize when it’s physical. There is a clear line being crossed when someone uses physical violence. Physical abuse, as with any type of abuse, is never a survivor’s fault. Hitting, pushing, strangulation, and using a weapon are a few examples.

2. Psychological/Emotional/Verbal Abuse: This type of abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and can leave invisible scars that last a lifetime. Some examples of emotional/psychological/verbal abuse are if your partner degrades you, puts you down, embarrasses or shames you, calls you names, demands to know where you are every minute, treats you inferior, threatens you, accuses you of being “crazy,” keeps you from talking to or seeing friends or family or going to work, keeps you from sleeping, or tells you that you will never find anyone better. This type of abuse can wear down a victim’s self-worth, self-identity, and self-esteem.

3. Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse is more than rape. Up until laws began changing in the 1970’s it wasn’t technically illegal to rape your spouse. Thankfully, now it’s illegal in all 50 states. Despite this some partner still think sex is owed. Sexual abuse includes forced and coerced rape, not allowing a victim to take or use birth control, distributing sexually explicit images without consent (revenge porn), and taking advantage of a partner when they’re on drugs, inebriated, sleeping, or unconscious.

4. Financial Abuse: In short, the abuser controls money matters. They might prevent a survivor from having or keeping a job, make them ask for money and restrict access to bank accounts. Abusers might also demand that the victim show receipts for every purchase, make them pay all the bills, and ruin the victim’s credit to keep them financially independent.

5. Spiritual Abuse: Sometimes abusers will use religion or religious scripture to control, dominate, ridicule, or intimidate a victim. They might prevent victim from practicing their religion or ridicule their beliefs, force children to be raised in a faith the victim doesn’t believe in, or use religion to tear down a victim (berating them for not living properly by the scripture). Spiritual abuse is also when a person uses religious texts to manipulate or convince victims they must be subservient.

It is normal for couples to argue, but couples in healthy and safe relationships also listen to each other and attempt to resolve arguments and repair hurt feelings. Abuse is about gaining and maintaining power and control over another person and it almost always escalates. It is important to remember that escalation is a choice that abusers make when they feel like they’re losing power and control in the relationship. The victim has not done anything to cause the abuse and there is nothing they can do to stop the abuse other than leaving. Furthermore, abuse is not caused by drugs, alcohol, mental illness, PTSD, or trauma. It is always the choice of the abuser. Abuse is never the victim’s fault and the longer the relationship continues the more dangerous it becomes for victims and their children.

Escaping abuse can get dangerous for a survivor because abusers are not likely to release power and control easily, so if you are ready for help please reach out to a trained domestic violence victim advocate to talk about options such as obtaining a protection from abuse order, forming a safety plan, going to a domestic violence shelter, and deciding how and when it is safest to leave. Crisis Services of North Alabama can help. Please contact us locally at 256.574.5826, on our 24/7 HELPline at 256.716.1000, or at our website www.csna.org. Advocates provide free, confidential support to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault.