Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Tuesday, 15 October 2024 09:11

Domestic Violence: A Family Pattern
by Teresia Smith

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Each year we use the month of October to shine a spotlight on this continuing issue. Domestic violence happens to someone every day. The national theme this year is “Every1 Knows Some1” and statistics back that up. Break the Cycle shares these statistics:
•Every minute 32 people experience intimate partner violence in the United States.
•In the United States, nearly every 1 in 2 women and more than 2 in 5 men reported experiencing intimate partner violence at some point in their lifetime.
So, as part of awareness, we must ask ourselves, despite the continued efforts of advocates, law enforcement, the criminal justice system, batterer reform programs and nonprofits like Crisis Services of North Alabama providing services and spreading awareness, why is domestic violence still so commonplace? Why does it feel like as soon as one survivor escapes abuse, others are reaching out for help? Let’s examine one of the reasons that have been uncovered.

Parental influence. Brian Martin, CEO of The Childhood Domestic Violence Association, was a survivor of childhood domestic violence. As an adult, he chose to volunteer at a local DV shelter. He noted that there were far more children than adults in the shelter. When his mother was escaping abuse, he too had stayed in a shelter and his experience taught him that shelters didn’t usually have the resources to help the children deal with the trauma they had experienced.

Martin recounts, “I’ll never forget a researcher said one of the best predictors of whether you’ll be in a violent relationship is if you grew up with them. All of the other researchers just nodded their head and looked down. That was a real problem because, if one of the best predictors if whether, as an adult, you’ll be in a relationship that involves domestic violence is whether or not you grew up living with it, and there are no services for those who grew up with [domestic violence], how do you stem that problem? And if there’s no awareness that this has an impact, then how do you begin to even address it?”

So why do some abused children grow up to abuse others? Not all children of domestic violence will grow up to be victims or abusers. However, sometimes the cycle is repeated and we should examine why this happens. Katie Lear, a counselor from NC, states, “One reason that children may emulate an abusive parent is due to a psychological concept called ‘identification with the aggressor.’ All children love and look up to their parents and aspire to be like them. When a parent is angry or violent, children face a dilemma: Do they fear the parent, or act like them?” Some children who have lived in domestic violence households struggle with self-esteem and carry immense guilt.

They often ask themselves why they couldn’t stop the aggressor and blame themselves because they watched the abuse and couldn’t do anything to stop it. And if the abuse is generational, sometimes it’s just an accepted way of life and the victims see it as normalized and they don’t realize they deserve better. Living through abuse can change one’s response to violence growing up. A child learns that violence is normal, familiar, and acceptable. This is why education about domestic violence and healthy/unhealthy relationships is so important. When kids only see violence as a response to someone they are supposed to love, that is what they will learn to do.

So how can we break the cycle? Domestic violence is such a complex issue that there aren’t easy answers. However, there are some ways we can help children who have lived in abuse. Providing counseling services, mental health services, and educating everyone about the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships is a great start. Early on, teach children that they have body autonomy and are free to choose who they hug or want to be near. By dating age, make sure teens know what red flags to look for in a partner and what constitutes a good dating relationship. The best advice is to address domestic violence and abuse before it starts and work to build healthy relationships. Having someone as a mentor they can confide in early on is also key to prevention. All of us must be united to end domestic violence and child abuse.

Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free services for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence in a safe, confidential setting. Though we do not have services for young children, we can offer referrals. You may reach us at our Jackson County office 256.574.5826 or our 24/7 HELPline 256.716.