Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Monday, 26 August 2024 08:49

Let Go and Move Forward
by Teresia Smith

Recently I read a blog by Angel Chernoff where she shared this thought: “The most powerful changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we do not.” What truth that statement holds. Often, we continue to cling to unhealthy things we want to change, even when it’s painful. By holding on to the things we need to let go of, we contribute to our stress, unhappiness and relationship issues. Why do we tend to hold on so tightly? Humans typically don’t like change because it forces us out of our comfort zone and it’s scary. It’s easier to put up with things we know, even when they are uncomfortable, than to face the unknown. Also, we tend to look at life through rose-colored glasses and we want life to be what we think it should be and not really see it for what it is.

One of the most common causes of most of our stress is our tendency to hold onto things with the hope that it will become what we imagine it could be instead of accepting what it really is and letting go.
So how can we stop holding onto things that hurt us, complicate our lives, and serves no positive purpose for us? The first big step is facing the realization that there’s really nothing to hold on to. Angel Chernoff reminds us, “Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.” Especially in unhealthy relationships, our hearts tend to turn a blind eye to the abuse and maltreatment and we focus on the hope of possibilities instead of the realities. Once we are able to truly see that the things we are trying to hold onto aren’t real, life gets easier to deal with.

Angel Chernoff gives an example of someone blindfolded in the center of a large pool where the water is deep. They have two choices. They can try to stay afloat while at the same time frantically trying to reach for and grasp the side of the pool. They think the side of the pool is close by but in reality, it is far away and they splash around uselessly trying to hold onto something that isn’t there. Or, they can stop and take a breath and realize there’s nothing nearby to keep them afloat so they must relax and float. Using this analogy, ask yourself what are you desperately trying to hold onto that is really not there? Are you trying to hold onto a relationship that isn’t healthy and serves no positive purpose for you? How is this affecting your life? If you realize that what you are trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist, what would your life look like if you just let go and chose to float?
“A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.” (Angel Chernoff). Letting go is hard but sometimes necessary for our best life. Releasing that which keeps you stressed and off balance will free up your time and energy to focus on things you can control that will improve your life. Find ways to be more mindful and accept what life is today, let go of what was or what you had hoped it would be and look expectantly for the future possibilities.

Relationships are often the hardest thing to let go. Even though you know it was not healthy and it’s best to move on, you may catch yourself thinking of the good times and glossing over the bad. And as you move past that, then you may tend to beat yourself up wondering what you ever saw in that person and how you ever allowed yourself to love them. Neither of those thoughts are helpful. Reality is that there were some good times but there also were not so good times and possible even dangerous times. And reality is we all make poor choices at times and we just have to look at ourself and admit we may have had bad judgement and made a mistake but we learned and grew from that and we are worthy of a healthy relationship and we move forward. We grow and heal.

Letting go is often hard, but when we learn to accept the things that we can’t control and focus on the life we are living, we can find beauty and even unexpected surprises. We can be grateful for our life experiences that shaped us into who we are today. One last thought from Angel Chernoff, “to let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.”

Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services to victims of intimate partner violence and sexual assault. You may call our Jackson County office at 256.574.5826 for an appointment with an advocate. You are not alone.