Love shouldn’t hurt

Love Shouldn't Hurt - Ever

Monday, 19 August 2024 08:28

Supporting a Sexual Abuse Survivor
by Teresia Smith

The shame a sexual assault victim experiences is increased when they are not allowed to talk about the trauma. Rebecca Street, a survivor of sexual abuse, says that this is one reason survivors tend to sometimes blurt out their story to complete strangers. Just the act of speaking of what happened to them is an effort to heal. In society, it is often considered inappropriate to discuss any trauma. This makes the person who suffered the trauma, and not only sexual trauma, unintentionally humiliated for wanting to receive understanding and comfort. Sexual abuse, particularly incest, is almost taboo to talk about. However, we must change this viewpoint to promote healing. Secrecy is the enemy of recovery. If the survivor feels listened to, understood, and supported, they can work through the anger, pain, and shame. When a survivor is allowed to share how they have been affected, the door to healing can be opened.

Dr. Judith Herman wrote in her book Trauma and Recovery, “When the truth is finally recognized, survivors can begin their recovery. But far too often secrecy prevails, and the story of the traumatic event surfaces not as a verbal narrative but as a symptom.” Sexual trauma steals your core identity and leaves the victim feeling alienated and alone. Being able to speak of the trauma is the way the mind processes what has happened. For men especially, the burden of secrecy can be even greater. Dr. Julia Whealin points out in her article Men and Sexual Trauma, “There is a bias in our culture against viewing the sexual assault of boys and men as prevalent and abusive. Because of this bias, there is a belief that men and boys don’t experience sexual abuse and don’t suffer from the same negative impact that girls and women do. However, research shows that …. Boys and men can suffer profoundly from the experience… and often suffer from a sense of being different, which can make it harder to seek help.”

Often those who are closest to the victim fail to help them. When the people who are supposed to know us and care for us the most do not acknowledge what has happened to a survivor and the pain they are experiencing, the sense of shame is even greater. Often this lack of response is not a lack of caring or sympathy, but rather a feeling of helplessness or possibly misplaced responsibility. Frequently, family members just don’t know what to say to a victim so they act like nothing has happened. However, no matter how challenging it may be, the survivor’s close family and friends need to understand how their actions, or lack of, impact the survivors healing and they need to work to create a supportive environment where the survivor can speak freely.

So how to help? First, give them permission and space to talk about their trauma. They aren’t asking you to fix things, but rather just let them talk about their feelings without judgement. And secondly, examine yourself. Hearing someone’s story of sexual abuse can be very hard for most people. It is normal to feel uncomfortable and sad for them. Things you can say to the survivor is “I am so sorry this happened to you”, “I want to help. What can I do”, or “I know this has changed your life forever and I want you to know I love you and I am here for you”. Though you cannot change the event, you can help with the healing.

If you or a loved one have experienced sexual abuse, Crisis Services of North Alabama offers free and confidential services such as crisis counseling, court advocacy, medical advocacy, support groups, and referrals. You may reach our Jackson County office at 256.574.5826 for an appointment. We also offer a 24/7 HELPline where you can speak with a trained crisis counselor at 256.716.1000. You are not alone.