Love shouldn’t hurt – ever

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Wednesday, 15 March 2023 08:55

How to avoid returning to an abusive relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things anyone can do. Abusive relationships are centered in power and control. When someone has control over another person it can feel impossible to make a decision or formulate a plan without that person’s input. All the lies, manipulations, and threats that have been made by the abuser throughout this relationship feel very real to the person attempting to flee. Once a person becomes strong enough to leave it takes even more courage and strength to stay out of this relationship.

Shelley Flannery of domesticshelters.org published an article in February 2023 on seven ways to resist returning to an abuser. Flannery provided a great outline for support and understanding that can benefit anyone who has just left or is thinking of leaving an abusive relationship. The following tips are useful to anyone who has left a relationship and is struggling with the possibility of returning even if it was an abusive situation.

1. Find the support that you need. This can be as simple as reaching out to a trusted family member of friend or connecting with a domestic violence program for crisis counseling, shelter, support groups, or other services. It is important to have a strong support system and get as much help as you can.

2. Learn about domestic abuse. It may seem like you should be an expert in domestic violence if you have been in an abusive relationship, but it might be harder to recognize it when you have been in survival mode. Abuse can be tricky, especially when an abuser uses gaslighting tactics and blames the victim for everything that happens.

3. Get a protective order. Not all abuse victims will meet the criteria for a protection from abuse order; however, if you are in any immediate danger, are being physically abused, or feel threatened a protection order can assist you in getting safe. Domestic violence programs have advocates trained to help you apply for protection orders and can provide court advocacy at the hearing for the protection order.

4. Secure steady income. Finances are one of the main reasons someone returns to an abusive partner. If they have been kept from working and financially dependent on their abuser, it can seem nearly impossible to pick up the pieces and start supporting themselves. With children it can also present a problem if they have never had access to childcare. There are programs through DHR to help assist victims of violence in securing income while they look for employment or even go back to school.

5. Remind yourself why you left. It can become easy to fantasize about all the good times and miss the things that were good about a relationship. It is important to remind yourself about the abuse and the reasons leaving was the only option. Facebook memories pop up of all the fun times and pictures that give us the warm, fuzzy feelings, but let’s be honest no one really posts the pictures of the broken dishes, holes in the wall, or the black eye that was given. Remember why you chose yourself over the abuse.

6. Identify a call buddy. This is the person you call when you are feeling weak and want to reach out to your abuser. It can be a trusted friend, family member, fellow survivor, or even the 24 hour HELPline. Any one of these people would be a better person to call than your abuser. No contact is the only way to truly heal and move on from this abusive relationship. People with children to coparent have to stick to firm boundaries and only communicate about those children.

7. Adopt new coping strategies. When being controlled in a relationship that abusive partner becomes the person you instinctively turn to for everything. Fear conditioning taught you that they were the only one you could depend on or trust. Find a new outlet through counseling. Start making pro and con lists. Learn new ways of healthy expression.

If you or someone you know is or has experienced intimate partner violence or sexual assault please reach out to Crisis Services of North Alabama. We can be reached locally at 256.574.5826, at our 24 hour HELPline at 256.716.1000, or online at www.csna.org. You do not have to face this alone.

-Christina Hays