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Love should never hurt- ever! 05-10-17

Serious warning signs of an abusive personality (males and females).

She arrived at our office sobbing- “I don’t know who he is anymore-this isn’t the person I thought I knew.”

For those of you already involved in a relationship, use the following list to identify characteristics of an abuser. Remember, overtime, abuse tends to escalate, leading to more dangerous behavior (s). If your partner displays a combination of these behaviors, he/she may be a batterer and abuser:

1. Quick involvement: Many victims of battering date or know their abuser for less than six months before they are engaged or living together. The battering type comes on strong, claiming, “you’re the only person I could ever talk to,” or “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” He/she pressures you for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. Jealousy: An abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Often excessively possessive, calling constantly, or visiting unexpectedly, while suspicious of your friendship and involvement with others.

3. Controlling behavior: Questions you about who you talked to and where you were, checks car mileage or checks up on you in other ways; keeps all the money; insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes you or says cruel things, degrades you, swears at you, calls you hurtful names.

5. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect partner and to meet his/her every need and/or the children’s needs without help.

6. Isolation: Limits your involvement with family and friends; deprives you of a phone or a car; tries to prevent you from holding a job. You try to keep the abuser happy by not seeing anyone but him/her. You become truly isolated with no friends or family you feel close enough to talk to about.

7. Blames others for problems: Any mistakes made by the batterer will be blamed on you or someone else. It’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong. Everyone is out to get him/her.

8. Blames others for feelings: They say, “You’ve caused this problem by making me feel this way” or “You make me angry, I can’t help it” instead of “I’m sorry” or “Let’s work this out”.

9. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted. Will rant and rave about injustices that are just part of everyday living.

10. Cruelty to animals and children: Kills or punishes animals brutally, being insensitive to their pain or suffering. Also, may expect children to do things beyond their ability, tease them until they cry, or tickle them until they cry.

11. Playful use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex, says he/she finds the idea of rape exciting. A batterer may show little concern about whether you want to have sex and use anger to get you to give into having sex.

12. Rigid sex roles: Expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.

13. Sudden mood wwings, “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”: Switches from sweet and loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.

14. Past battering: Admits hitting men/women in the past but says the other person brought it on. Legal convictions of past battering with another partner, but denies wrong-doing.

15. Threats of violence: Makes statements such as, “I’ll hurt you,” “I’ll kill you” or “I’ll slap you,” then dismisses them with “I really didn’t mean it” or “I was just upset.”

If you or someone you know is experiencing these behaviors and need help- we can help! Call Crisis Services 256.574.5826 – Our services are free and confidential.

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